I did a lot of soul-searching and writing back in my twenties. Good times all around. Rereading these I do see a pattern about myself that I could never have seen then, fun to reflect. That really is what this blog is all about for me…And I am hoping to get in touch with that intensity and passion again… 🙂
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An Oath to Myself for Myself 11-14-79
There has come a time in the course of my lifetime when certain courses of action must be taken to insure my ability to prosper and survive.
Sometimes it takes more of a kick to open my eyes, to make myself more determined. So, I am writing this oath as a request to myself…to put out a bit more willpower, a touch more ambition and a little more aggression.
I will continue on said diet and I will reach my goal. I will stick with ballet and I shall be good. I will continue to sew and create with my hands, develope my mind and use what I know.
And, something very important to me; and I will learn this, patience with my relationships.
I’m not sure of what I want but am becoming more sure of what I don’t want.
When I wrote this I was three weeks shy of my 25th birthday…33 years later I am still not sure of what I want in a relationship…very interesting…
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Walls
The walls you say surround me
Were put there by those like you…
Saying words that were untrue
To the surrender of my virtue…
You leave, say that you’ll call
Wanting to believe
In the silence of night begins a brand new wall…
If you want to speak with me
Know the person I am
Give trust and understanding
No lies and no more games…
I want out from behind my prison walls
The freedom to trust and love again…
To know that if I fall
Is no reason to build another wall.
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Amazing really, how complete the feelings of wanting you are, knowing our reunion is still so far away…
Without heart it’s not worth the time or effort trying to fill the gaps of time…
Finally entering the light at the end of the tunnel…
Though more bright than the dimness from whence I came, the clouds and dark spaces sitting off in the distance patiently wait their turn to come forward with my next challenge.
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I was in my twenties, my first apartment by myself…half of the lower portion of a beautiful Victorian house. The gal living across from me was having an enormous fight one night with her boyfriend, it woke me up and this is what I wrote…
Yelling, crying, confusion, fright…
Has it really come to this?
Voices strained to the point of hoarseness
Veins pushing their way out as an escape from the intense rush of blood coursing through.
Tongues lashing out as viciously as the snap from an executioner’s whip.
Some will say it is all for the cause of love…
But if this has become a vital part of a relationship; as a reason for continuance then it is a battle better left unfought.
Others will insist it is just “one” of those things, something we must all go through; some more than once.
But how could something so thoroughly destructive; eventually to both partners be of any value or use to a union pulled together for the sole purpose of growth, happiness, fulfillment and love.
It doesn’t really make sense does it?
NO IT DOESN’T!
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I Love You
Past time has put some severe definitions on a few truly beautiful words and expressions as in, “I love you”.
It does not necessarily mean deep unconditional love but purely a love for the aura and energy a person may possess and share with you.
Unfortunately, sometimes these words are taken as a burden or commitment on their part to reciprocate or discourage such foolishness.
When, in reality you should drink it in and feel it warm your soul.
For when you have learned this you will have grown…
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Hmmmm…
Ah, the wonderful scheme of things!
Oh so awesome and yet so scary…
Why must some realizations come so slowly?
Is it the refusal to accept responsibility?
The inability to acknowledge?
Or even the ignorance and blindness that can bind us forever to an ever after of nothing?
Hmmmm…
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Time
So many run away from it, hoping it will never catch them.
Hiding behind masks and shrouds, seeking those who offer eternal youth, forsaking all for total indemnity.
Others run so quickly toward it they never know where they have been or whom they have been there with.
But, time doesn’t have to something to be afraid of.
Time can be your friend.
You may wish you had more but it is better than thinking you have too much…
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Meditation
Different for every single person…
Just a part of mine…
I am a happy, content, confident, incredible amazing woman…
I am centered, grounded and comfortable in my own skin…
I am all things possible, I am energy, I am intelligence…
I am a vital, vibrant, caring, sharing, giving, helping person…
I am positive, productive and forward moving…
I am beautiful, forever young, compassionate and passionate…
These words and so many more empower and lift me up every day…
Amazing what 15 minutes can do, what a way to start the day 🙂
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Real
It is real
Awesome in its own right
It can pull you up from the depths of despair
Or, it can yank you out of the sky
It can beguile and entice you
It can stimulate and energize you
It has the power of destruction, total and complete
The feeling is a real one
Pure, solid, to the core
And, if denied long enough can make you numb to all else…
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Challenges
No matter what objective or challenge you are facing break it down into smaller pieces and then continue to break those pieces down until you have a piece that you know you can accomplish. Repeat that accomplishment until it feels comfortable and then add the next smallest piece, you will be amazed at quickly the whole puzzle comes together and how good it feels.
My 2nd or 3rd grade teacher said something to the class that I remember to this day: Good, better, best. Never let it rest until the good is better and the better best. The quote is attributed to a couple of different people but this has resounded in me all of these years.
The CDC recommends 7 to 9 hours of sleep even for us adults, it is not just for babies and children, have to give the engine a chance to rest. 🙂
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Pictures
Sometimes the people, places and events that cross our lives don’t fit the pictures we have in our minds.
But what if those pictures are warped?
Perhaps if we allow those people, places and events into our lives we may end up with a prettier picture.
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Release and let go…
Of the past…there is nothing that can be said or done to change anything about the past.
So in releasing and letting go of the past also release and let go of resentment, grudges, pettiness, selfishness, spite, self-pity, greed, jealousy.
All of the negative, non productive and non forward moving feelings and emotions that we tend to carry around with us all the time.
They serve no purpose except to weigh us down physically, emotionally, spiritually and in our heart and soul…
Release and let go…
Of the future, it does not yet exist.
You cannot predict nor can you project into it…
In releasing and letting go of the future you can release and let go of fear, stress and worry.
You cannot worry, stress or be afraid of something that does not yet exist.
Release and let go…
The here, the now, this very instant…
That is it, that is all there is…
Don’t waste and better yet don’t miss it…
Release and let go…
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